After I turned my will and my life (along with my husband) over to the care of God as I understood Him, I continued to struggle with my decision. I was in the backyard one day with our dog and I remember asking God if separating from my husband was His will for my life, to please show me a sign. In the next moment, a large, orange butterfly flew around the corner of the house and floated gently by me. I smiled, looked up to the sky and thought, “Was that you?” – but a few moments later, my thought was, “that’s nonsense”.
Yet, that inner voice kept nudging me. The next week, as I was confused and going to the courthouse to get a temporary restraining order against my husband, a butterfly flew across my windshield as I was driving. Again, I smiled and made a mental note.
And, the butterflies kept coming, for months on end. They came when I asked and they came when I didn’t. They came so often that I could no longer believe it was just a coincidence. I knew I’d asked for a sign, and here they were, plain as day. I would see them so often that I would try to point them out to my friends. Sometimes they would catch a glimpse but most often they would miss it. And I would get mad at God that He wasn’t proving His existence to others, as He was to me. But then, I was gently reminded that, I didn’t question His relationship with others, I had questioned my own relationship with Him.
This was about us, and our relationship, not theirs. Their relationship with God, or lack thereof, was their own. And this was ours. I finally had a personal relationship with my higher power and it was personal because of the butterflies, so I needed to stop comparing that part of my experience with others because it was an intimate part of our relationship now. I guess the only way I could explain it in human terms is in the loving relationship you have with your spouse. You can try to explain that to others but unless they were there, they don’t really understand the intimate experience.
I finally had a personal relationship with my higher power that I never knew could exist. I had heard others talk about it but because I had never experienced it myself, I didn’t believe it existed. Now it was real to me. And it may not sound like much to you. But once you realize that the God of the universe actually cares about you in a personal way, your life will never be the same. Mine wasn’t and never would be again. And I write this, hoping and praying that you will see some sliver of hope in this and long for and have that experience for yourself also one day and KNOW, that He is real and He cares very deeply for you too….surrender and let Him in. You’ll never regret it.